Denied

Saturday afternoon I went to weight watchers to weigh in, stopped at the store and then Talon and I stopped at Subway to grab a sub for him. Denny called while I was sitting in the car waiting for Talon, I knew by his voice that something was up "what's wrong?" I asked him, he said "Mike just called and left a message, my phone is not set up to call internationally so I'm trying to get a hold of him on facebook, anyways, I'm sure it's not good news, Mike never calls us" I knew he was right but tried not to let my thoughts go to the negative, I tried to stay upbeat and hopeful as I drove home trying to convince myself that maybe the kids brother or father just showed up at the orphanage and made a scene or something.

I put the groceries away as Denny continued to try and reach Mike. I heard his phone ring and heard Denny say "Hi Mike" Denny put Mike on the speaker phone and I knew by the sound of Mike's voice this was not a good news phone call. "Heather just called, and I'm so sorry, but it was denied"...

My world instantly fell silent. I had not a single thought in my head... I never spoke to Mike, or even heard the rest of the conversation... I got up and went into the kitchen and looked out the window. I started to do the dishes and that was it. "Denied" is all I could hear in my head... all these years, we FINALLY even make it to the IBESR and in 5 days of being there, which some people sit in the IBESR for a year or more... we get denied? Seriously? How did this happen? No questions to us, not request for further documentation? No nothing??? Just Denied. Story over. Done. I stood there and sobbed. Denny came out and we hugged for a long time... My brother in law showed up as if God placed him at our doorstep at precisely that moment on purpose. Jerome was a huge blessing for us as he truly brought comfort for us from the Lord. For that I will be forever grateful.

However, our world just changed forever. Everything we have planned, the home we bought, the room we prepared, the pictures on the wall, going to Talons baseball games possibly this summer, going to church and worshiping together as I had imagined so many times, dedicating our children at church and knowing that our whole church and family would be so excited with us, going to the dentist for the first time, they have been asking about our kids for years, playing in the back yard, going to the park across the street, the first snow! Denny's first #1 Dad t-shirt and matching hat? Laying on the floor and coloring together....Father Daughter Dance Denny and Ruthfaelle would be able to go to next year...The first Halloween, driving down the road and looking up to see their faces in the rear view mirror of my car as I have imagined so many times - those times gave me hope, night time stories and hugs and kisses good night, snuggling on the couch together, walking off the plane and having our friends and family cheer when our kids walk with us into Grand Rapids...balloons, stuffed animals, hugs and tears and laughter that they are finally here... GONE in the blink of an eye.

What do we do with this? How do we move forward? I don't want to go to work. Everything seems pointless. I feel lost. What do I wait for now? How do you just turn this off? Each morning I wake up is like experiencing the loss of someone who has died... Should we go see them? Should we not? Do we try to appeal? Nobody has ever heard of appealing the IBESR before!? How do we just walk away from this? Away from them? Our children? What do, how do we tell the children? When do we tell the children? Mike has reassured us that the children are fine, they are young and although the have a hint of the adoption, they really don't understand the fullness of what that means and they are healthy and happy. They are playing with their friends, laughing and going to school and being loved every day by people that love the Lord and love them very, very much. They have good lives there, they do. And although I don't think ANY child should have to grow up in an orphanage, I know that God has a plan for their lives... He does.

God IS sovereign. His ways are always better than my ways. His plans are always better than my plans and he loves those children more than we could EVER possibly love them. I know that they will be ok, I do. But, this... this is the hardest, most painful thing I have ever been through in my life. This loss is mind numbing and as I lean into Jesus I know that He is there, I just don't know what to do with this yet. Denny either... we are trying to hold it together, with God's help and know that there is something more ahead...

We continue to search for the possibility of an appeal but it looks bleak and at some point we will probably have to come to grips with that too. I think it is just a life preserver at this point to keep our heads above water, something to hang on to until we can swim with out drowning... however, if you feel lead to pray for us in this matter, we thank you for it.

Thank you for your love, your support, your encouragement, your prayers! and your finances over these last years... we will be forever grateful and blessed that you were a part of this amazing journey with us. It's been quite a ride hasn't it!? Wow...

Somebody Pinch Me!

So yesterday I open up all of my resources to check possible communications from Heather or Michelle. I see Heather's name and always get excited. Heather communicates when there is movement or if I have asked a question. She and Michelle are really great about this. I had asked her a question so I was thinking it was going to be her response, this is what I read:

Btw... Both dossiers being turned in on Monday...
So excited we are done!!!!!
Can't believe it!! I'm exhausted!! Hehe

I think the world stopped moving for just a moment. It's like everything went silent. I looked at my husband and said "it's from Heather?" he turned down the TV and looked to me and I read it to him. I honestly could not believe what I was reading. We were ACTUALLY going to IBESR!

Now understand, for some or most, this is an exciting moment but probably not THIS exciting as if they were coming home today exciting. But you have to understand, if you don't know our story yet, that we have been waiting for this for over a year now. We have been told it was going to IBESR for over a year while it actually sat on someones desk in Haiti for over 8 months telling us that they had it legalized - which was an out right lie, they said they would be meeting with the orphanage and never did, said they would have it to IBESR in 3-4 months - that was a joke!

There is a much bigger and longer story here, but I'll just stick with this nutshell of the IBESR part for now. The idea that we waited for over a year on someone that should have had this done a year ago is sickening to me.

Voice of the Orphan, Heather Elyse came to our rescue through a sweet friend - Shasta, who happened to be at the orphanage where our kids are, when Heather stopped by to visit the orphanage and meet the staff. Shasta shared our story with Heather back in November 2011 and showed her our kids paperwork which should have been with the attorney, which should have been in IBESR. Heather was appalled at this. We were faced with the very difficult decision of having to change agencies. We did not know what things were supposed to look like, but we did know that something was NOT right with the attorney that was with the other agency. After speaking with our agency, whom by the way was very supportive of our decision, and A LOT of prayer, in December we made the decision to work with Heather.

It is now 2 months later and she has us going to IBESR on Monday! This is unbelievable!! After someone having it on their desk for 8 months!? Really?

So, we don't know how long this wait is? It could be another year...but at least we are in motion. We were able to have some money refunded to us from the last attorney and we are moving forward, but it is ONLY by God's Will and the precious person he put in our path that has so much tenacity!!! She is amazing! Heather, we love you and praising God for using you to intervene on our behalf.

So, heavy sigh... and smiling while we wait knowing we are waiting in the right place in the right hands... Gods! No better place to be.

Our Theme..

I think it is fair to say that we are all at some point waiting for something. Waiting for an important piece of mail to come, waiting to hear from a particular someone. Waiting to hear if we got the job, Waiting for the birth of a child, Waiting for a life situation to change. Waiting to hear if an offer we put on a house has been accepted, waiting to hear if the bank approved our loan. Waiting....

Currently we are praying for a new job for Denny and for our adoption process to be over but there are stations of waiting along the way for both situations... many of them.

Waiting has been our theme song for quite some time now. There are some stations of waiting that are harder than others. Right now Denny is waiting on responses from Resumes he sent out for work, or phone calls to be returned, or waiting for Monday to come so he can make more contacts...waiting will then be for the interview date, then the results of the interview and if there will be another interview and the results of that interview and if there will be a job offer. It's a lot of waiting!

Then there is the waiting to hear that our kids dossier has gone for legalization and at the same time waiting for some of our documents in the states to be returned to us from being legalized by the Haitian Consulate in Chicago. It seemed like one of those "easy" waits, however, it has turned into an all consuming wait as I was told the documents were sent back to us. We have not received them back yet. This is one of the small, but some how big wait in the big picture of Adoption.

I know from prior experience of waits like this that my anxiety of a situation was short lived. We got what we needed and moved on to the next station of waiting but, when I am IN IT, it's all I can think about. I have to constantly remind myself that this too shall pass and that we will move on. It's hard, I won't lie. Because of the numerous ups and downs of our "wait" I have to really monitor my thoughts and know that I am acting appropriately. What I mean is I have to ask myself "is this something you have ANY control over at all? If so, what is the appropriate thing to do? If I don't have ANY control, I HAVE to let go and let God take it and deal with it. In any case I have to participate in the process and still remember that ultimately, He is still the one in control.

God is teaching me so much about myself through this "Waiting" mostly my attitude is 90% of the journey. How I walk through it is huge. God has used this to break my need to be in control. Its been a slow process but, I can honestly look back and see how I have changed. I'm not there yet, believe me, but I'm different than 3 years ago. I have peace (most of the time) God has shown me that if I rely on Him and don't go off the deep end and come unglued in my emotions, that IN HIM I have a voice. What I mean is when I take my concerns to him and seek His will He gives me wisdom and peace on how to move forward in ways that I never could have imagined, it can be powerful.
God has increased my faith in HIS ability to take care of the smallest detail, tremendously. My relationship with Jesus is so much deeper I depend on Him ALOT. I know that even though I have moment of "oh my gosh, our whole adoption is going to fall apart now!!" that even if our documents got lost and we have to start the process of 4 pieces of paper over? That it will be ok - the world will not end and our adoption will still move forward. There is a reason for everything! Of THAT I am convinced. God IS. And that has come to be enough for me to know while we wait...

Getting Ready

This might sound odd.... but, it FEELS like God is getting us ready for the kids homecoming... I don't know how to explain it other than its a feeling inside of preparation and it is in both Denny and myself. We are on the same page thought wise and with out even talking about things. We are in the mind-set that this is it! This is the year our kids come home. We don't know the date, but we know they are coming.

We need to restructure living conditions, even talked about selling our house and finding something a little bigger for less, nowadays, that IS possible...or, adding a room to the downstairs... We have started looking at trading in my car for a van, to me this just says "Big Family" and I love it!! I can't wait. Who knows maybe God is going to add to our family down the road.

Possible life changes on the horizon that can change everything is feeling pretty evident. Just don't know when God is going to bring all of this together.

I remember getting close to my labor date with Talon a million years ago. You know it's getting to be time and you need to have all of your plans in place as best you can. You can never fully prepare because, especially if it's your first child, you don't know what to expect REALLY. We can only prepare so much and then we will have to learn while doing. This could make for some good blogging stories I'm pretty sure! haha...and I can't wait for that either. The trials and errors, the wonderful mishaps and love that will start to fill our lives with these two amazing, amazing little people. Just thinking about this I get emotional, seriously, I'm tearing right now! Wow.

Each day is another day closer to having them home, and then once they are home each day will be another day getting to KNOW them. I Can not Wait!

Update!

ok..so, Heather Elyse from Giving Hope Child Rescue, in Haiti has taken on our case. She has been to the orphanage to see our kids, took lots of love, gifts, pictures and a video on Christmas Eve!! What a beautiful gift that was!! They also put the kids father on a food program! We were so taken back by this as he is such a sweet, sweet soul and very special to us. She has met with him and has been working on the kids dossier. She believes we will be in the IBESR in about 2 weeks. This is so exciting for us. Finally!! We should have been there....well, I'm not going to go there. God knew and God knows. We know that God is Sovereign and we know that all of this has happened for a reason. Meeting Heather and Michelle has added a whole new dynamic to our journey that honestly, I'm so very grateful for. Meeting someone like Heather has been a very personal thing for me that I don't know that I can explain. One of those things from God that spoke to my heart as only God can do. We have peace that we have not had in years, this is a gift in itself.

We have met some amazing families that are on the same journey with us. Some just starting and some that are just getting their kids home and starting a whole new journey that we all can benefit from being a part of as well. This also has been a huge blessing. To be a part of this community of sisters and brothers that encourage, love and share everything they know.

so, here we are. Possibly 2 weeks from IBESR and then we wait. We are good at waiting, we know how to do that :)

Comedy Night Out With Chris Danielson Benefit

The Founders of Ebenezer Discipleship Training Center, an outreach to Haiti, Nate and Brenda Yonker have offered tickets to us to sell for the benefit of our adoption. This comedy show is actually to benefit their ministry in Haiti. Anything we sell over 100 tickets will benefit our adoption, giving us the opportunity to raise up to $500.00. This is a very generous offer from them as their ministry is near and dear to our hearts as well. God put us together with Nate and Brenda back in 2007 on our first trip to Haiti. They were there when we met Ruthfaelle and Mackenson and we have been blessed to watch their ministry in Haiti flourish under Gods might hand. We hope that you will come and have a great night of laughter, not only will you be blessing us, but you will be supporting these amazing people and their ministry in Haiti.

Comedy Night Out With Chris Danielson

Before Chris teamed up with wife Emilee to host The Morning Show on JQ99, Chris Danielson was a touring improv and stand up performer. On Jan. 21 he teams up with son Jake Danielson for a night of stand-up comedy, improv, and fun. Big Daddy Troy West will be hosting.In the past, Chris has shared the stage with comic greats Chonda Pierce, Brad Stine and Daren Streblow. Jacob has opened for Tim Hawkins, Jeff Allen and Michael Jr.

When: Saturday January 21st. 7p.m. show, doors open at 6p.m.
Where: Van Singel Fine Arts Center in Byron Center, 8500 Burlingame SW, Byron Center MI 49315

Tickets: $10 available by calling 616-366-5375- We will collect funds and tickets will be available at the Will Call Window for you to pick up the night of the show.

These would make GREAT stocking stuffers!!! Tickets are selling so get your today!! You will NOT want to miss this great night!!!

A New Day

Well, I've been waiting to share this information until I had the OK from two very special women. Many people know of the difficulties we have had this past year with getting our kid's dossier completed and our file into the IBESR. It should have been there months ago. However, it is not.

Heather Elyse, who is one of the founders of and Giving Hope Rescue Mission,, happened to stop into the orphanage where our children live. Another friend, Shasta Grimes, made it a point to ask Heather to take a look at our kids paperwork while she was there as Heather runs an orphanage in Haiti that take in orphans that are available to be adopted. Heather made it clear that things were not being handled properly and has reached out to our family to help with our adoption

Heather and Michelle See, who is also founder and the other half of this amazing , spent time on the phone with Denny and I and it was like a whirlwind of information and just the pure organization and getting down to business was like nothing we have experienced in the years we have been trying to get our kids home. They had a plan to us the very next morning, that astounded us. They have included finding the father not only for what we need from him, but to get him on a food program!! This blessed us tremendously. Denny met the kids Father a couple of years ago and it was pretty emotional. We can't imagine how hard this must be for him.

We do need to raise $16,000.00 to pay in-country fees to a new attorney. Heather is doing all she can to help us reduce this cost and is not asking us for any fees to cover HER costs! This is unprecedented. She and Michelle are doing this on their own time and their own dime. I need to tell you that Heather is a single mother of 10 adopted children- yes, 10 :)The idea that she is doing this for us with no fee is very humbling.

We are doing what we can to get funds together. We thought we were at the end of the adoption fees part and have paid out close to $40,000.00 over the past 2 years about $3,000.00 of that were donations from family and friends that we could not have moved forward at times with out those donations. We have about $4,000.00 still in savings but believing that God will provide what is needed and we are so excited about what is happening.

Please pray that Heather will be able to track down the information needed to complete our kids dossier. She will be taking possession of our dossier while in Haiti the next couple of weeks.

We are putting together some fundraisers, so check out our fund raiser page and watch for more opportunities coming! You may want to keep an eye on Heather and Michelle, they are two pretty amazing women.